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How to maintain intimacy during the corona epidemic

How to maintain intimacy during the corona epidemic

By: Gila Brunner**

** Gila Brunner - certified sexologist, director of sexual therapy, LIS, Tel Aviv Medical Center, founder and (former) director of the sexological service at Sheba in 2004-19, senior instructor in sexual therapy, expert in sexual rehabilitation in chronic and progressive diseases, neurological and oncological diseases , a lecturer in these fields in Israel and around the world.

The corona virus permeates every part of our lives, and many in the world are in lockdown, which leads to significant changes in life habits, including marital, intimate and sexual relationships.

Sexuality and intimacy contribute significantly to health and quality of life. They are especially important for people living with chronic and progressive diseases such as Parkinson's disease and other neurological diseases. Although the virus is not transmitted through sexual intercourse, the combination of stress and anxiety surrounding the global epidemic, along with the challenges of the disease, requires special consideration. We need the special strength that exists in marital harmony, in order to deal with the difficulties that have fallen upon us all.

As a senior sexual therapist and an expert in the sexual rehabilitation of people dealing with serious illnesses, I am happy to share with you knowledge and practical suggestions in a series of posts that will address the following topics:

Chapter 1. How will we maintain a good marital relationship during the Corona period?

Chapter 2. How do you deal with gaps in libido during the Corona period?

Chapter 3. Managing sexuality and intimacy in young people living with Parkinson's disease without a marital relationship.

First chapter: How to maintain a good marital relationship during the Corona period

"Too much together" - yes, the corona epidemic has put a challenge on long relationships, couples who are forced to stay together in the same space for weeks. They may find themselves in quarrels, feeling suffocated and helpless. The secret to a good relationship is a balance between the amount of connection and separation. It reminds me of playing an accordion - only if there is closing and opening of the bellows a wonderful melody is heard. How can we apply the principle of "togetherness/separation" when we are closed in one house, with no way out? The solution is quite simple: plan 2 units of recreation during the day or week: personal time and couple time.

(1) Personal time - allow everyone 1-2 hours every day where you will be alone, without obligation to listen, talk, do something for the other. In your personal time, close the door: sit in front of the computer, take a pampering shower, shave, listen to music, go to sleep. It doesn't matter what you do - the main thing is that they give you personal space without interruption. If there are children (young or old) at home, the other partner will make sure that they do not interfere with personal time. When both spouses know how to respect a separate and private world for each, they also find joy in their connection.

(2) Couple time - plan a date, yes! Appointment. Choose a day, time, place (living room, kitchen, bedroom). Now get ready for a date, as for any recreation: bathing, shaving, perfume, festive clothes - just as if you went to a concert or a restaurant.

What do you do during double time? Have fun! For example, browse through photo albums (or photo files on your computer) and remember vacations and trips, play cards or dominoes, choose a movie or TV series (comedy please! Life provides us with enough drama), or order delivery from a restaurant. You can also hug, cuddle, but not have sex (we will talk about sex in the second chapter). Couple time will allow you to feel close and remember why you are together.

How to deal with a gap in libido during the corona epidemic

** Gila Brunner - certified sexologist, director of sexual therapy, LIS, Tel Aviv Medical Center, founder and (former) director of the sexological service at Sheba in 2004-19, senior instructor in sexual therapy, expert in sexual rehabilitation in chronic and progressive diseases, neurological and oncological diseases , a lecturer in these fields in Israel and around the world.

The corona virus permeates every part of our lives, and many in the world are in lockdown, which leads to significant changes in life habits, including marital, intimate and sexual relationships. This is a topic that is not usually talked about. As a senior sexual therapist and an expert in the sexual rehabilitation of people facing serious illnesses, I am happy to share knowledge and practical suggestions with you.

Today more than ever it is important that we talk about sexuality, as it contributes significantly to our health in a period of continuous stress. It is worth clarifying an important concept: "sexuality". Sexuality is not only sexual intercourse (erotic sexuality). It includes many non-erotic elements of physical and emotional intimacy. We all know the amazing power of a close hug, a comforting cuddle and a relaxing massage. These days we all need support, maintenance and hope. Studies show that physical contact reduces anxiety, stress and pain. The physical contact gives a feeling that someone cares about us and gives assurance that we are loved. This makes it easier to deal with frustration, pain, anxiety and stress, especially for people living with chronic and progressive diseases such as Parkinson's disease and other neurological diseases.

Why is there a gap in libido during periods of stress?   

The stress in the shadow of the corona virus affects sexuality in two ways: (1) Those who turn off any erotic desire, delete sex from the personal protocol and console themselves by doing (cooking, cleaning, playing with children, talking with a friend) and thus they relax. They usually don't understand why their Hogs need sex. (2) Those who during periods of stress feel an increase in libido. Stress causes reactions of arousal and excitement, so it is easy for the brain to switch from excitement in stress to sexual excitement. In addition, during sexual stimulation and orgasm, the body produces special neurotransmitters, a sort of "happiness drug" and "sedation drug", so that the erotic-sexual activity contributes to these people's significant relaxation.

What do we do with the gap in libido?

It is important to talk, listen and respect the different needs of each partner, without trying to convince that one side is right and the other is wrong. The truth is that there is no style that is more correct to deal with the stress. Trying together to build a personalized menu:

Intimate-physical contact once a day - The partner with the high libido will make sure to have physical (non-erotic) contact, once a day for 5-10 minutes. What to do? Hold hands, hug, lie close, caress (face, hands, back). You don't have sex in this physical meeting, but the experience of daily contact keeps the embers, the libido alive. If not today, then when this threatening period passes.

Erotic-sexual activity - The partner with the low libido will make sure that sexual activity takes place. You will have to compromise on the dosage. The sexual activity can be adapted to the ability and needs of the couple. It is possible to have internal sex, but a normal erection is required to allow a visit to the vagina, and a loose and moist vagina is required in order to avoid pain during intercourse. If there is difficulty in having internal intercourse, it is always possible to have external intercourse, without visiting the vagina. Instead you touch and stimulate each other (manual stimulation, oral, mutual masturbation) in any way that suits you.

Combined double menu: non-erotic and erotic - The partner with the low desire will prefer a pampering non-erotic touch. The partner with the high desire will prefer sex and erotic activity. And you can choose that one date is dedicated to erotic touch and the other to non-erotic touch. It's like in other entertainments - sometimes we go to the restaurant he likes more and sometimes we go to the restaurant she likes.

Here are some tips that will help:

  1. Focus on pleasure rather than performance
  2. Use lubricants to prevent pain and friction
  3. Choose a suitable time when the motor and sexual function will be at its peak.
  4. If there is a problem, contact your doctor - the treatments take place online today
  5. Apply for sexual or couple therapy as needed - the treatments are held online today
  6. Important: you have partners who support you every day - try to reduce their burden, and consider their needs.

 

We got stuck together because of the corona virus - what happened to sex?

Gila Bruner, certified sexologist, Danieli Medical Center, Givataim

We are in strange times. Everything that was clear disappeared. In the article you can read about what we gained, what we learned, and how we deal with the changed desire.

What did we gain?

In the period of distance from the Corona virus, we need to feel that we belong, to be connected, to know that there is someone to tell, someone to listen, someone to hug, watch movies or eat together. So if you got stuck together because of the corona, or if you decided to connect to a shared residence even though you hardly know each other, you made a not bad deal at all. You have even made a significant contribution to your mental and physical health.

How do you organize spice?

If you are together all day, work from home or part-time or without work at all, it is important to allow space and privacy for each other. Sometimes he says: "I need space from you, quiet for a few hours." Sometimes she locks the door with a clear message that she wants quiet from you You can be offended, translate it as rejection. But - it's really unnecessary. A relationship can be enriched with intimacy, intensify mutual attraction and earn good sex - only when it has both close time and space and time apart.

The accordion principle?

A good relationship is like an accordion. The accordion is a musical instrument that belongs to the bellows family, and it produces wonderful sounds from movements of contraction and stretching of the bellows. Even in a relationship it is important that we move away and get closer, and again move away and again come closer. This movement creates the special music of your relationship.

And what happened to sex? Why did the desire decrease?

We are in strange times. Everything that was clear disappeared. It is impossible to plan a job, a career or a vacation, and the favorite places of entertainment are gone. go to the show? go out to a bar? Jump into a B&B in the Galilee for the weekend? Book a flight to an exotic island or a bustling city abroad? – Suddenly it seems like a fantasy. Many people tell me that they feel despondent, helpless, restless and sad. In such a situation there is a chance that the libido will decrease. So don't panic. Our brain is very "smart". He realizes that he needs to preserve your powers. The brain makes efforts to maintain your mental and physical energy reserves, in order to deal with the stressful situations in which our world is. Therefore, temporarily, the brain silences the urges and lowers the level of libido. This is how he behaves in survival mode.

What do you do when the mood is low?

(1) Don't panic! Understand that this is temporary.

(2) accumulate strength (listen to music, do sports, find hobbies)

(3) provide strength to each other (congratulate, court, say a kind word, hug, give a pampering massage)

(4) Set a date with content (topics of conversation, a movie, viewing photo albums, cooking together)

Gila Bruner, MPH MSW – certified sexual therapist and senior instructor in sexual therapy

To make appointments, Danieli Medical Center, Givatayim 058-5521113

How do you make a successful couple date at home?

By Gila Bruner, certified sexologist, Danieli Medical Center, Givataim

Why should you plan a double date at home?

Because until today we left the house for work, for sports, for social gatherings, to a restaurant and suddenly we are stuck 24/7 with each other. Morning looks like evening, Sunday looks like Friday and you lose the special feeling of going out to spend time together.

How do you organize a date at home?

It's actually quite similar to planning an outing. Set an exact time (for example, Tuesday at 9.00:XNUMX p.m.). Determine an exact place (in the living room, in the bedroom, in the dining area, on the balcony). It is important to have privacy. only you Take care of the food (perhaps order pizza, sushi or make a plate with sliced ​​cows), take care of the drink (wine, beer, cocktail or coffee).

and most importantly !! Dressing up, putting on make-up, shaving, putting on perfume - just like going out for fun.

What do you do on a date? We have already talked about everything!

Now we have come to the content of the date. As with every exit. After all, it's usually customary to decide where we're going (a movie, a bar, a concert, a show, a trip to the seaside), so we decide what we're doing here as well. A night of dancing - then we'll make appropriate music. A night of fun memories - then we'll take out the photo albums (from real paper or on the files) and remember an event, a trip or something else that is fun to remember. Maybe you want to plan your next vacation, when this strange situation is over. And you can also take advantage of such a date for a real, personal, intimate conversation - to share your thoughts and feelings.

Surprise: we found out that the date was worth it

Many couples discover how good they are together, when they take the time, when they remember the good moments and the reasons that attracted us to each other. The couple's date warms up your reservoir of inner desire, and also improves the sexual relationship. That's why it's worth investing.

And if we are not able to do it?

It is possible that the pressure cooker you are in is seething and boiling. You have no patience for each other. You are in danger of marital breakdown. It's time to make an appointment with a couples therapist or sex therapist (depending on the problems that bother you), and you'll find that even with a video call you can feel improvement and relief. So don't wait for the crack in your teeth to turn into a huge fracture. Most of the care workers have switched to virtual calls and it works.

Gila Bruner, MPH MSW – certified sexual therapist and senior instructor in sexual therapy

To make appointments at the Danieli Medical Center in Givatayim, call 058-5521113